What do you want in a relationship? Questions to find out

Ask people what they don't want in a relationship and the answers come quickly: no drama, no cheating, no one who never texts back. Ask what they do want and it often gets quiet. "Someone nice." "Someone who gets me." "I'll know it when I see it."

Not knowing what you want isn't a failure. But it makes it easy to drift – into whatever is available, whatever feels familiar, or whatever someone else wants. A bit of clarity changes how you choose.

Why it's hard to know what you want

We confuse wants with patterns

What attracts us isn't always what's good for us. If certain dynamics feel like chemistry because they're familiar, it's worth separating "what pulls me in" from "what makes me feel good over time". Our article on relationship patterns goes into this.

We borrow other people's scripts

Films, parents, friends and social media tell us what a relationship should look like. Some of those scripts fit us. Many don't.

Wanting feels risky

Knowing what you want means you might not get it. Staying vague can feel safer than naming a hope that could be disappointed – especially if your self-worth is fragile.

Feelings first, features second

Partner checklists usually focus on traits: height, job, humour, hobbies. Research on how people choose partners – for example the ideal standards model by Garth Fletcher and colleagues – shows that people's ideals cluster around a few broad dimensions such as warmth and trustworthiness, attractiveness and vitality, and status and resources. How strongly someone matches our ideals affects how satisfied we are.

But a more useful starting point than a list of traits is the question: how do I want to feel? Safe? Free? Excited? Calm? Seen? Challenged? Traits are guesses about what will create those feelings. Starting with the feelings keeps you open to people you wouldn't have put on a list.

Questions to ask yourself

Take your time with these. Writing the answers down helps; so does coming back to them after a few weeks.

About the past

• In which relationships – romantic or not – did I feel most like myself? What made that possible?
• What did I give up in past relationships that I don't want to give up again?
• What did I learn about myself from my last breakup?

About the present

• What does a good ordinary day look like for me – and who is in it?
• How much time alone do I need to feel well?
• How do I like to be cared for when I'm sad or stressed?
• What do I find hard to ask for?

About the future

• What do I want my life to look like in five years – work, place, family, freedom?
• Which of these are non-negotiable, and which am I open about?
• What kind of partner would I like to become?

About fit

• Which values do I need a partner to share – and where can we differ?
• How do I want conflict to feel? (See how you react in conflict.)
• How much closeness and how much independence feels right? (See attachment styles.)

Needs, wishes and dealbreakers

When you've collected answers, sort them into three groups:

• Needs – things without which you won't feel well in the long run, like honesty, respect or emotional availability.
• Wishes – things that would be lovely but aren't essential, like shared hobbies or similar music taste.
• Dealbreakers – things you won't accept, like contempt, dishonesty or not wanting children if you do.

Most people have far fewer real needs and dealbreakers than wishes. Being clear about the difference keeps you from rejecting good people for small things – and from accepting too little for big ones.

Are you moving towards it?

Knowing what you want is only half of it. The other half is checking whether your choices lead there. If you want a calm, reliable relationship but keep spending time with people who are hot and cold, something is pulling you in another direction. That's not a reason for self-criticism – it's an invitation to look more closely.

Psychologist Arthur Aron's self-expansion idea suggests that good relationships also help us grow: they add new perspectives, experiences and parts of ourselves. A useful question is not only "will this person make me happy?" but "who do I become with this person?"

Frequently asked questions

How do I figure out what I want in a relationship?

Start with how you want to feel, reflect on past relationships in which you felt most like yourself, and sort what you find into needs, wishes and dealbreakers.

What should I look for in a partner?

Beyond attraction, look for warmth, trustworthiness, respect in conflict and shared core values. How you feel around someone over time tells you more than any checklist.

Is it okay not to know what I want?

Yes. Clarity often grows through reflection and experience. It helps to start with what you don't want and ask what the opposite would look like.

Can what I want change over time?

Absolutely. Needs and wishes shift with life phases and experiences. Revisiting the questions every now and then is part of growing.

Sources and further reading

• Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., Thomas, G. & Giles, L. (1999). Ideals in intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(1).
• Aron, A. & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love and the Expansion of Self: Understanding Attraction and Satisfaction. Hemisphere.
• Hayes, S. C. (2019). A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters. Avery.